I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
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My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’