I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*