I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
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Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Van Gone
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
The one hour wash on my dishwasher runs for 124 minutes.
So that makes sense
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window