Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Best table by far
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle