I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
I love wikipedia
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years