I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???