I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

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Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot


You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)


*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.


You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.


Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.


eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots


the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs


“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.


Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box