I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
How all things should be taught/explained.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.