Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box