@JosesLovesYou

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

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@SequelsWeWant

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

@Six_Pack_Mom

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

@AnOrangeSNES

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

@Maxine12333

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

@mlkef

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

@DanMentos

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

@camillagluh

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

@Donna_McCoy

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

@ArfMeasures

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box