I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
me when the borders lift
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
What my back needs
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like