I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
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I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.