Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

My patience has stretch marks.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.