Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

Her: how are you still single?

Me: it’s easier than you think.

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!