I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
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Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
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Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
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Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
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Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
two people or more is called a problem
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
seems fine
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Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.