I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
You Might Also Like
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*