I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
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Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens