Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up