I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.