I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
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[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*puts my mental health in rice
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.