Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.