Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.