I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Joseph Smith, 1833
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
