i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
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Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
