i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
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Pretty much! 😂👀
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!