i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
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me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
☠️ ☠️
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.