I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)