Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

i baked you a cake

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi