I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
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ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?