Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

No. YOU-buprofen.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day