Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

another case of gang violins

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

I don’t know what to do

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.