I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me too, bag. Me too….
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Church Pugh’s
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
