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May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!