I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
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The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man