Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

what kind of cook setting is this??

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country