Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

*cough*

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie: