Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

Found a free bandaid at the pool.