i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
