What kind of a cult is this?
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Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.