I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
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has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.