i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
This joke is 7 years old
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
