I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
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I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
When ur friends with white people
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Meow
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.