I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
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Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
What.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?