I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
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Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
How dramatic are you?
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes