Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly