Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”