I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
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Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.