I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
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How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.