Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

The United Steaks of America

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.