Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

This guy’s not having it 😆

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

5 ways to appear taller

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross