I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
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Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: