Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

*pronounces fake like saké*

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

who wants to go expliring

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”