I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
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*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.