Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
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*repeat for duration of party*
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*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
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*go back once more*