Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

Get off my horse you stupid moon

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.