I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
You Might Also Like
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁