I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.