I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
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As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Holy shit he’s back
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed