I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
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And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
respect
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)