I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
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I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.