I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
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“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
The glory of fall.
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we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret