I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
You Might Also Like
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.