I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day