I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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Sorry not sorry.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie