I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
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You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.