I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
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GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
incredible
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.