Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

“A little help here, Danny?”

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…