i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
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when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.