I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
You Might Also Like
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.