I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
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Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?