I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I think about this a lot
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.