Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now