I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
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inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I am yelling
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.