I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
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no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
PARKOUR
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
You might just have to resign…
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email