I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
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Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“FRAAANCE!”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians